I am Sarah. I am holding my breath.

I woke in the night some weeks back for no other reason than to glance at the clock. It took less than a moment for my mind to prickle with thoughts of writing. Stories I’m working on. Stories I’ve submitted. Rejections I’ve received. What makes a rejection a rejection? The lack of response? The use of the word ‘no’?

I read my most recent rejection email through in my head. Again. Obviously there was no lack of response. It was an email from the agent I’d queried. Nor did the word ‘no’ appear. In any context. Had I misremembered? Had I misread? I got up.

On rereading I found the email to be broadly positive. Comments on all but one of the submitted stories indicated that, with some revisions, the texts would be acceptable. When I had sent an email thanking the agent for giving me the time and expressing my hope that I could submit to her in the future, she had responded promptly, “Of course!”.

I wondered if in my so far so brief writing career, I had become so used to the idea of rejection that I was missing an opportunity.

So, slightly tardily, I pounced on it! To all intents and purposes I was treating it as an R&R. An invitation to revise and resubmit.

The story that had received no praise at all was relegated to the drawer of cast offs. I set to work making the revisions that had been suggested on the other two. It was the first time I had done any major editing to any of my stories.

The revision suggestions were amazing. The stories were fuller, funnier and easier to read. I have heard many people talk about the editing process with dread. Worries about losing the heart of your original story, feeling a lack of ownership by putting another’s ideas in there. I was so happy with the end result and excited by the whole process.

So much so that within five days of her ‘rejection’ I was back in touch, tapping on the screen of her laptop and waving manuscripts in her face! My hope was that she’d see my eagerness and responsiveness as a positive thing. “There’s someone who wants to work hard!” she’d be thinking.

Her response gave me a glimmer of hope. Again, she emailed quickly. This time to tell me that she would be pleased to reconsider but letting me know that other commitments had her tied up for several weeks.

Surely this was positive. She wouldn’t waste any more of her own time, or mine, if the answer was a flat-out no. Would she?

Would she?

I’ve entered competitions to try and keep my writing momentum going. I’ve completed a writing course. I’ve written new stories. I’ve edited. Edited. Edited. I think I’m in the minority but I really enjoy that process. I’m starting with a story I love and I’m making it better. It becomes a crossword puzzle! Looking for definitions to fit in certain spaces. To fix metre, to make images clearer, using nuance to indicate emotion.

I feel like I’ve achieved quite a lot during this time of self distraction. I have a small collection of polished stories to offer to any agent who would be interested in seeing my work. I have had the pleasure of working with Lou Treleaven, children’s author, to try and hone my skills. I’ve been able to do this without the pressure of submitting to any further agents.

But I’m gasping.

Several :

a: more than one //several pleas

b: more than two but fewer than many //moved several inches

c chiefly dialectal : being a great many

It’s four weeks on. I shouldn’t give up hope yet, should I?

Should I?